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Ways to Minimize Challenging Behavior

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alright well good morning everyone my name is Jasmine basilius I'm the director of curriculum and instruction for the Fruitvale school district and I'm so glad that you're all here today thank you for making the time as Kim said in your very busy schedules to be with I'm benefit from this time I'm very happy to introduce Kim Breen she has worked all over the country as a school psychologist in the school counselor and help schools in families and students with their needs whether it be Behavior or other men every time I've ever heard her I've learned so much from her so we're in for a real treat I'm so glad that she's with us and like she said of the session will be recorded and we will post it on the website so you can have access Rainer and I will be managing the chat and so just thank you for coming and not having that being with us all the way from Chicago and for your time this morning Kim and thank you parents for all being here and thank you to our counselors who are here today to thank you thank you thank you I see a raised hand and so if you would please put your, question to tap hack that way Jasmine can get right to you I'm I'm going to go ahead and launch a r Johnson Albert please any comments instead of doing the raise hand just go ahead and take that into the chat box and Jasmine will see how you're doing and thank you for the intro I do wish I was there with you all we miss you all very much in your area and so it doesn't say I'm here in Chicago my family and I are from New York I've always spent a lot of time in California over the last few years mostly working through County offices and you're some of the districts as well so if you want to know more about me you can call when you get the PowerPoint before off he posted at the district website you can see a little bit more but there are two links here in my bio paid that'll give you more information just about how families can you buy some of these strategies that schools often so it turns out that when it comes to the science of behavior the strategies that we can use in at home and in the community are very similar to what we can use a school they might the details might be a little different but the basic concepts of the same and so that's what we're going to be focusing on here in this brief 1 hour together and really specifically looking to help support you and maybe improving prevention even more so when it comes to problem Behavior the best thing is to not have it happen right at all if you want to prevent problem I'll be there when they do occur which they are bound to every family every household every young person has challenges a different time make them a less intense and so there are ways we can make those challenges a little bit easier to get through a little reefer and instead of a problem that last like all day or for flowers directions to make them brief are less intense and then there is the science of behavior tells lessons that what we do when there is a problem and what we do when there is a positive behavior goes a long way in determining whether those things will happen again and so we want to make it that we respond in ways that make it that problem behaviors are less likely to occur again and that we respond in ways that make it that positive behaviors are likely to occur again it's going to talk about those strategies I'll before we jump in I just want to send my best from my family to yours these are just unbelievably unique times and we know that probably what was heart has gotten harder and there's a lot of unknown which is probably causing a lot of eggs and worry with our young people and even for us as adults so we sin are bass we really are very grateful that you made the time to join us today or that you're listening to this recording and that you're really trying to look for ways to make the situation better so we know there are many things we can't fix but there are some strategies you can use that will help get us through it a little bit better so thank you for being here we hope to maybe make you smile too I try to be careful about using jokes with webinars because they can go awry but love this hope it makes you smile a little bit and I brought this one up because sometimes when we have young people in our Lives who have some challenges they have behavioral challenges and you know maybe that does it come with some language or speak challenges maybe free are teenagers are are middle schoolers maybe it comes with some kind of unpredictable bouts of disrespect we might be reluctant to go out and about the way we you still are the way maybe other families do and so that affects our family as well my son is 11 he's turning 12 this week and he has autism and he has a good deal of anxiety and that anxiety can bring some unpredictable are are less predictable kinds of behaviors and so we could have to be prepared for the for the unpredictable too and to wear to talk a little bit about how we can make sure we can still do things and go places now with the restraints that you know included masks etcetera and Beyond so hopefully when when it's when getting around is a little easier again that you'll have so many strategies that will make that time easier I shared this in our last session around routines I just want to bring it up again just briefly you can click on either of these blue areas when you have the actual PowerPoint and it will give you videos that you can watch a real Aaron's interacting with their real children using what we call positive behavior supports and so it's around you know how to prevent problem Behavior how to respond to problem behavior and it's also related to routines and in case you weren't with us in our second session feel free to click on there and their examples I think are all like younger children and elementary-age but you can apply most of the same strategies for older ages as well and in case you just joined us this is just a reminder you want to try to find your chat box in just a moment I'm going to ask us to be interacting in that chat box and you want to if you want the message to go to everyone either choose the word everyone you might choose with says all panelist and all attendees you can send private messages to people as well so if you want to send a private message anyone you're welcome to do that but when we do some of these activities if you want everyone to be able to see it what is the all all right so I want to do an activity with all of you that you can use with your children and this is regardless of age if you if you we don't work in a place where you may be half staff where you oversee other folks hear it if you are an employee of the school and you're on here with us this is something you can use with adults as well so you can use with adults or use and I'm going to give you the directions for this thing called the mood meter and then I'll ask you to share your mood in the chat box if you're comfortable to do so and then we'll talk about maybe how we can use this strategy at home so this comes from the Yale Center on ammo intelligence dr. Mark Brackett and colleagues have created this work and so if you want to learn more about it you can find more and there's a book called permission to feel I wish you the book some of you might enjoy permission to y'all and again it it's kind of helpful it's for it's written for adults with the help of people of any age see you to take your finger and go to the bottom corner of this multicolored Matrix and you're to go right between where energy pleasantness me and it's to find your mood word for right now I want you to go up with the amount of energy you currently have so decide how much energy you currently have I got a scale from 1 to 10 and then you going to over with the amount of pleasantness you're feeling so you know you have a lot of pleasantness medium or low pleasantness so you going to go up for energy to the amount of energy and then over for the amount pleasant as soon as soon as you're ready if you find your word you can type into the chat box and tell us what word did you land on and so am I when I did it I blamed it on chill and that's that I have probably like a little bit less energy than I often do really really long busy work days and even over the weekend and so I feel pretty positive but I'm pretty good energy but not like the highest-energy so I'm looking at some words I see satisfied secure sleepy Focus come tired and I still fill in the morning hours for many of you and you probably already were working to get your young people online learning or maybe out the door hopefully thank you all for sharing your word we have another chill so the idea of this mood meter and you're welcome to keep putting in those by those words if you can keep doing that while I'm talking is to the name our feelings because so often but they found when they did this work was that we have a very limited vocabulary for our emotions and so I know I was guilty of off and saying I was either happy or stressed words I would say hi I'm happy or I'm stressed or maybe tired and I very rarely what I've used words like I feel Pleasant or hopeful or focusrite I went to really those words when to come give me as easily and so yeah there's some benefit and naming our emotions and even having an idea of where we are sometimes we go through the day and thank you for sharing you know folks are free can be frustrated as well there's there's room on here you'll see they're sort of sad emotions is kind of mad emotion so it's it's all of them and that the science behind the scene of the recommendation is obviously all emotions are fine there's no there's not. emotions and bad emotions but it is very helpful to know where you are in the moment because sometimes see if the way you're feeling is perfect for what you want to do sometimes it's not and so when I I've just been working on this myself if I'm feeling in you know this kind of high-energy but sort of negative if I'm feeling. Or annoyed irritated and I need to do something with my son I'm getting better at trying to take a breath just like we even just one deep breath and trying to become mindful in the moment so that then I can do whatever I need to do with him and not provoke him so it's not that it's bad being that mood but we've all and there where our mood accidentally triggers are our children to then react and so it might make them anxious or might make them mad or make that Nathan sad and often that makes our mood worse that wasn't the goal you wanted to just get through that that moment get them ready for school get them learning and so if it's helpful for us to be mindful of where we are with our emotions and then it's helpful for salsabila uses with our children said they know where they are with their emotion and so couple quick examples and like I see drains thank you for sharing yeah I'm going to talk about regulating emotions in just a moment but so imagine if you're drained and you long day ahead of you in lots of work to do the question is do you have some strategies that could help you get some energy back in and I know I used to always think well I can't I don't have time to take a nap I don't you know the day and they're going to allow I need to get rest so therefore I can't do anything not being drained but there's actually some stretches that could help you feel a little less drained deep breathing could help some people feel a little less train I started to find I made a plane list for myself music that puts me in a better mood and you know many songs are just like two to three minutes so if you have two to three minutes to put on a song you really like maybe just a couple deep breath you might find it doesn't make you not tired anymore but it maybe take the edge off of that drained feeling just enough so you can help your child with a technology problem on their computer are you can remind them of what they need to do in a way that doesn't count for both them and set them off so we want to know emotions so that we can then regulate them and I'll necklace for our young people to so I'd love for you to be thinking I mean you're welcome to type into the chat box how might you use something like the mood meter at home and how could that be possibly help before during or after school hours whether your children are learning online or when there is actually maybe in person Capri just think a little bit about how that mood meter might be able to help and welcome to take him to a chat box if you'd like AllShare just briefly what we've done is we printed out that mood meter so you can print it out from that PowerPoint maybe the school can help you too if you want if you want a copy of it and so that I use it physically with my son and so it was wasn't that long ago we are doing something and I was giving him tips on how to do it better and he's going to shut down he stopped talking and do it anymore and in the past I think I would have kind of just left that alone and you know I might have thought some negative sauce if she was giving up you know and so I forgot the mood meter and I asked him where his and he said peeved now for my son he doesn't vary. He really wouldn't use negative words with us he he wouldn't he very rarely would say he was mad or angry at us and so it's that's going to have and right are preteens for teenager that are little people are going to get mad at their parents sometimes it's okay to be mad it's how you're mad that's what we need to work on so because he said I said all I didn't realize you know did I I bothered you when I was giving you those tips and he said yes I said what can we do about it in the future and he said well in the future ask me if I want chips and so sometimes that's not possible right right now you're thinking we'll know I'm going to tell them how to the room where I'm going to tell them you know how to talk to their siblings sometimes it's not a choice but in that case with my son it was it was something that I didn't have to be you know correcting him on and so we agreed that whenever I would ask can I give you some tips and then he can say yes or no and then we would proceed and then I said okay if you want to finish doing the thing and he said no I'm so cute sizing all right that's fine and for him it was empowering I think to be able to it may be for one of the first times really name his emotion he didn't have the shutdown he didn't have to ask mad or sad he didn't have to run out of the room he was empowering to just tell me how he felt so I'm looking to chat box I see I would use if my children ask them their moods to help them identify their feelings thank you for sharing that I'm using it consistently during neutral times today which is awesome to identify feelings during difficult moments I love that you can use it when not a problem but you thought was kind of hard to calibrate how they're what their emotions are and then you can also use it when there is a problem so that's it that's a great tip and that's what I've done to so just randomly at some moments you know or if you know what the the moment you might say hey where are you at on the mood meter and this helps young people get an idea that there is a range of emotions because are preteens especially in our teenagers sometimes they think they get into this they call black and white thinking I'm always mad I always feel sad I'm depressed and they use these words as if they're their constant into this is a good way to show them that emotions actually change and then I see I would teach them words Frontier more than once my kids can identify we'll ask him how to choose the word acquaintance with that's awesome so please know if you have younger children and there are lots of other examples of these mood meter is and you can find them online you can Google the mood meter or are you let me know I can send you a powerpoint that I've used with preschool and sometimes they have faces instead of the words right cuz the words are kind of big words on there but so you can truly use it for all ages I'm I really appreciate folks interacting and cat box thank you for sharing and you can continue to do that this is why I say thank you and I take a breath and you can take a breath so thank you for interacting in the chat thank you for reflecting on how moods better and I hope it makes sense or come at challenging Behavior you probably sometime you know it might happen that your child is mad and then we ask him to do something or we correct them and then they get mad at her and that sort of this is like explosive behavior but if we saw a prevention strategy is just helping our young people to be able to label their moods and say it to us and know that you're not going to get in trouble because you said you're peeved you would get in trouble if you yell a parent rights were trying to teach him some better choices all right so what goes along with the mood meter is this thing called the ruler method and they say ruler because the the letters of ruler stand for these words so return recognizing emotion understanding E L is for labeling which is what we just did with the mood meter the E is for expressing appropriately and the r is for than regulating those emotions effectively so that's what I commented on the person said they were feeling drained we can actually then choose who I want to stay drained or do I want to change this emotion if you want to change it there are ways that you can that end in our second webinar I think we talked about this event make a list of things that are sort of energizing to you like I said maybe playing music you like and things that are calming to you and for some people you know that maybe a hot shower are or taking up a very brief wah may be calling someone to talk to them so we all have different things that make us feel energized and make us feel come we want to identify with those things are and help our children and identify what those things are so that we can so when you know your mood if it's a good mood for learning you want to stay there but if it's not a good mood for doing independent school work at home you could consider moving forward to helping your child regulate so how do we get more AT&T or help you feel, so that you can now do your school work so ruler helps us to figure out how do we recognize understand label Express and then regulate our emotions and I gave a couple examples just now of how you may be able to do that I would love to hear from folks you're welcome to type into the chat box Amity Look hair or people over in from before so think about how might you use the Euler method at home on how could this help you as the adults is the caretakers and how could it help your children if I see a question what if we are in the blue or green and end up being an end up being our kids are as a single mom who works full-time I sometimes have less capacity to be in the yellow all the time of course so so I think are you so please feel free to clarify more in the chat box so you're saying you can have low energy because you're just exhausted from work right when you end up bringing your kids there with you to totally get that thank you for saying that okay so emotions are contagious right one thing that can help is for you to name your emotion to your child so and make it clear why you're in that mood so I do this with my son when I'm done with work I'm also often tired and he wants be with me right in that moment and the thing we know many of us feel bad about is they missed us they want to play or hang out or talk we're so tired from doing everything we had to do and you need to meet both need you to take care of yourself and you want to connect with your child so what you can consider is one is to make some routines so you might tell your child like hey I need a routine when I first come home from work here is how you can help me and here's what I need and so for me personally when I first walk in the I want to change my clothes I don't want people meeting me at the door right I want to walk in I want to change my clothes get into something comfortable grab a glass of water and then sit down and then we can start you know talk and hang out so for any of you but especially the parent who's chatting with me you might consider making a routine like what's that first 15 minutes going to look like when you first walk in the door and during those 15 minutes is there a way your daughter can help you could she get you your glass of water whatever it is that you want could she you know help by when you get in the house taking the dog out so that you don't have to do that either whatever on some of those tasks that are on your list maybe think of ways you may be able to help then you can express gratitude to her so now you sit for a minute and you say I am just tired I am drained from work and try to get empathy from her right how do I look you know how do I look like I feel and you can even tell her what makes you feel better in those moments you know yeah I'd love to hear a joke I'd love to hear something fun do you have a song you love right now honey you can play it for Me Maybe if you play me a song I'm still better so it's a way to connect with your connecting around the fact that you are drained cuz if we don't name it and put it in the environment are children sometimes think that were upset with them they think we're not happy to see them or they think we're kind of drained by them and meanwhile you know of course it's because we were just at work so I hope that's a couple quick ideas of Might what might be able to help you know yeah thank you for the feedback in a chat exactly so you don't really want to be mad you know right when you're walking in unless it can be something helpful you know so you might say wait for me in the house and when I mean I need to do these three things before I can be present you know and so I hope it makes sense that by naming the way we're feeling and what we need her also modeling for our children that they can name their feelings and they can tell us what they need so it's okay for young person to say I need space I need to be alone for a minute and that's way better than them thinking they need to storm out of the room you know after I've tantrum in order to get space and so we don't want to reinforce that young people to use these inappropriate behaviors to get their needs met but in fact that instead they can use their words that's why I say that all the time at home use your words sometimes I hate to my husband to you know how are you feeling tell me what's going on and then we can we can so the whole point of today session is this kind of based on this picture how do we avert you know a crisis how do we take what is looking like a problem but then like oatmega go off the track so that we can prevent things from getting worse so I hope that we just talked about two strategies briefly this idea of using a mood meter in and seeing what we're feeling in this idea of using the ruler method which is to actually try to write delete our emotions and to teach our children how to do it as well as us doing it ourselves so we are going to go a little bit further and when it's about clarifying expectations for ourselves and for others teaching expectations which is different than tell it's a weird to talk about this at a few times today that we've all probably been guilty of times are we told our children what we want them to do but we haven't talked them into going to come back that week we touch on that little bit in our second weapon and I'm going to look at reinforcing the behavior we want to see how do we get more of the behavior we want and how do we get less of the problem Behavior by using with called mild negative consequences so another thing I see often and fam why is that we don't really want to punish our children we don't want to give consequences so we threat threat threat you know if you do that again if you do that again if you do it again and then sometimes the consequence feels big to the child or unexpected because they were so used to us threatening it so we'll talk about ways you can create a list of mild negative consequences that you can use that will keep your relationship and start the children won't get super mad at you for name a consequence and you know they won't like stop talking to you or you don't get very upset for very long but yet you can feel like you follow through with giving a consequence and then we'll end on a soft carrots what you've been doing in the session all right so in our second session we talk more about this if you miss us in our second webinar and you want to know more cuz I'm going to be brief here I'll please check that one out and we'll see here is how do we make sure it's clear what's expected from everyone all the time and so the parent who is chatting with me you might make a you know after school after work routine to make make a call on that says after school after work and the two of you might say what you both need and want when you first get home and so you know after school after work we might give space to each other we might help out we might keep it light or fun you know we might take a regulating moment where we breathe together so all of you I want you to think of when are those challenging behaviors happening you know you knew that today session was about some problem Behavior is it happening more at bedtime or in the morning or doing school work or you know does it feel like it's all the time everywhere and if so I would encourage you to just start to write down where the worst times and moments are is it when at the grocery so one of those times in moments where it seems like problem behavior is happening the most and then what you would do as you would use this kind of a a graphic to listen to are you here alongside verses 1 through 4 you would listen big picture expectations some broad themes or concepts like we're going to be safe in this house we're going to be kind in this house I'll show you an example of a moment and set the top would be your routines was times of day bedtime Etc and then and all these other little boxes we would describe the what what is it that's expected and so here's some tips on this 5 I'm going to show you an example here in the moment so these are the tips that you can come back to you when you look at this PowerPoint that tells us like how do we use this tool but I want to show you this example so you're on the side here they have helped out on your own behavior or manners count but like ice you could say be safe be kind be responsible anything like that there and then along the top or the places and the times of day that the problems happen and then in these boxes inside it's what you want them to do instead so we work on this in our second webinar and we worked on trying to get some routines and place with our expectations being very clear and then I shared it that time it's also good to consider a routine at the top that says like when I'm mad or when I'm upset so what do we expect our young people to do when they're mad so when they're mad how can they still help out and maybe being mad helping out means using your words and telling us what you feel when you're mad how could you still own your own behavior maybe that means you know taking a moment when you come down to think about how you contributed to the problem and what you could do differently next time manners Council even when you're mad you can't yell at your hair friends or curse at your siblings you can use appropriate words to say you're mad you can leave the space so I know there's another resource here at the bottom so the idea with that Matrix is if you can predict it you can prevent it and so I want you to be thinking of when are the times that are most problematic and what behaviors would we like our children to use instead and it's amazing how far this can go in terms of helping to prevent the problem behavior from occurring again future and it even it can be about you like making sure that you can get some space after work etcetera so what we didn't go into in our second webinar was what to do next and so the next thing we want to do is teach he's in that Matrix so you can make a matrix that just has one column it doesn't have to be every time and space you could just choose one time of day that you want to make better maybe it's the after work time maybe it's during online learning time and then what time you can add more and more columns you can add more areas but that this is the strongest part of the strategy which is to teach those things and not just tell them and so you know I think it's more nature is more in our nature to tell our young people you know we say you need to go clean your room you need to sit still at dinner you know I'm you need to eat your food you need to do your school work so we tell them what we want we don't listen really cheap and someone emphasized a few things that make teaching a little different than telling and I'll give it a silly personal example I am not good great with technology and my husband loves technology until we have like TVs that have multiple remotes I don't even know why and you know so might have like a different audio hooked up there's multiple remote to the TV and then you all know, these days all these apps are in your TV so I couldn't figure out the TV which was often in the past my husband would come in he grab the remote he fix it and he'd leave and then the next stage was he coming he grabbed the remote and he would tell me what to do you know you just have to do it Y and Z and so I know it's harder when it's a relationship my husband and I have a very good relationship but it's still a weird thing sometimes to try to get your needs met to to say these kind of things I said you know Antonio I need you to teach me telling me is not sinking in you know it's my fault my brain will not grab it and you teach me so when I have a phone with the TV I'd like to hold the remote and I'd like you to model for me what I'm supposed to do I hold the remote key points tells me what I need to do and I do it which is a version of May kind of practicing and having him model instead of him doing it for me and then if we have the time and he's in a patient mood then I saw we'll go out of it and I'll take it with me do it again on my own now I'm fully practicing and doing it and that is what gets into my brain so now I'm more likely to remember it next time so those are the steps here for teaching you need to clarify what it is. That's on your Matrix those expectations and the details the first two points here come on that Matrix then the third status esmont and then in the second step is to model what it is so it's a model for our children how to be mad in an appropriate way me to model for them how to clean their room actually do it with them and show them what you expect where they would put their dirty clothes and how they should do it in we need a model for them maybe how to get through problems with a sibling until we don't just say I need you to figure it out with your with your sister we would say okay let me do it with you so model how you might and then we want them in and we show them what not to do so modeling the non-example is let me show you what I don't want and I do it with my phone all the time you know I don't want you know something out of the room I don't want yelling right because sometimes when I'm bringing our attention to what the problem is young people don't really know what they look like sometimes when they do it so my son can be kind of whiny and so I'll show him like what was it like this you know what I kind of melt yes I know and he knows that that is not how it should look so they write what I want you to do is just say Mom I need a break and then he'll practice Mom I need a break excellent if you say you need a break I'll give you a break you don't have to Wine in like fall off the couch so there's a lot more to this the school can help you further if if this feels like I'm going too fast and it's in you want to hear more about this please don't hesitate to connect with your counselors and teachers at school this is basically lesson plan because it's showing us the steps and I hope my couple of examples help that regardless of what the behavior is you want your child to do we can explicitly teach it and so here's another example when we were able to get around more at a young age and I said my son has autism and he has anxiety and we are going to be staying in hotels and having to go out to eat sometimes because we are on the road traveling from my work and sew ins I have waiting to wear at the restaurant and then kind of nagging or being mad at my son when he did things the wrong way which is you know what happens often cuz you're in the moment I teach him before were in the moment so this is us at home and we made a pretend hotel and we made a pretend restaurant and we used his toys to practice the expectations you in a hotel can you jump jump jump on the floor oh no tokens going to bother the Muppets here below right so by teaching these things ahead of time and having a calm conversation about them then when we were in the real moment I could remind him remember when we were playing with the the hotel and how the Muppets fell and so then he can connect to that learning sometimes we will we think we're reminding will say remember when you how did you forget I already told you but when is we just told them a lot like my husband has told me how to use the remote and every sunken as learning so you couldn't can't really remind them about something that wasn't already learned so you can get with lots of different contact that just happens to be I took a picture because we were in the middle of doing that a few years ago when my son was younger so I'd love for you now they're just reflect a little bit how might you use these practices at home this idea of clarifying expectations through that Matrix and then the side EF teaching what you expect through modeling and practicing and so it does take a couple minutes you're welcome to type into the chat box if you want to share any comments or questions it does take a few minutes but it pays back many more times and it's so you know if we're teaching our children how to meet us after work you need to do a pretend moment before you at it when it's not really after work you pick a let's pretend I just got home from work and I'm coming through the garage where are you going to be great you're going to be on the couch waiting for me to walk in the door and I'll say hi well you do you'll say hi and maybe you say would you like a drink of water seal actually kind of role play so then when the real moment happens tomorrow comes and now you're really coming home from work if they're at the garage door with you again you make sleep number and then alright that's why I'm going to go sit on the couch so it does require for us to be present ourselves and in a slightly calm mood in that in those moments just in the beginning when we're teaching it set learning his son get in then if you go much faster and it's much easier you get home they're probably not going to be there waiting in the garage they're going to be doing what we asked them to do and being where we were so thank you so much for the back in the chat box thank you guys for reflecting thank you for considering me strategies it's always a tricky situation to talk about how to improve Behavior because I'm not in your home's I don't know I don't know exactly the details every house is very different please just know that the strategies were sharing with you here they do come from Decades of research and they might seem like really small little things that we can do but hopefully that's good news that it's these really big difficult to implement strategies they tend to be kind of small things but they can make a really big difference so we hope you're willing to try some of these things and let us know how it goes alright so we're a little we're rounding the corner here so it's important to know and we're looking at improving behavior that there is there's tons of research studies that say this problem behaviors occur because they they never used to get or avoid certain things and so it's it's hard to think about that sometimes but if you think you know if you tell if your children are fighting and then you I'll let them to stop fighting and then one of them gets upset and starts crying and and runs out of the room they just got to avoid a conflict with their with their sibling they didn't have to work through it didn't have fix it cuz now they're crying and now they're leaving the room and so the problem Behavior becomes the sort of tantrum that occurs when you correct them and that's what we're trying to stop because we'd much rather have our didn't work at things out with their siblings would much rather them except our constructive feedback and not get mad and not you know yell back etcetera are shut down and ultimately our goal when managing consequences of behavior that's what happens after the behavior occurs is to make sure the purpose or function of the youth behavior is achieved through positive rather than problem Behavior so something's going to happen so my son will want my attention he tends to want my attention when I'm talking to his father and so it would happen would be me and my husband will be talking and then my son would interrupt and it took us a while to see the pattern and and you know it's okay if you're in the same boat it takes a long time to see if they say sometimes until we would stop talking and we would say what and we would figure out and then you know my husband I won't get to finish what we were doing so when we finally finished figured out the pattern you know we would have him but then he would get upset so now still getting interrupted from talking cuz now we have to deal with him being upset and so once we realized that full pattern we taught him and we're actually still working on this and that he's 11 we're still working on this now in a calm moment we explain you know you and you can talk to me almost any time when I'm talking to Dad that's when you need to to wait your turn and so we know and keep me talk with her and he realize he has I want your attention it's in those moments I kind of want your attention right that's called the and seeking behavior and so it's okay to want my attention but it's not okay to interrupt and so in those moments you can wait patiently you can listen to what we're talkin about you can leave the room on your iPad these are all placement behaviors he could do instead of interrupting us so now when my husband and I are talking and he starts to act and see I just put up my hand he knows that means you're going to wait I'm not no matter what you do I'm not going to stop this interaction because you have a couple replacement behaviors you could do instead and then when we're done talking we say to him great job thank you for not interrupting us what would you like now how can we help you and almost always now he'll go with nothing I forgot and then I helped him so so real it probably was an urgent center up that's right. I hope that makes sense that if in those moments we gave in then he would get his function that he would get what he wants which is a and it would be a problem or an interesting my husband and it would be a problem in other parts of his life. He don't we don't have to do that with his friends with his teachers Etc so this is another example from my son when he was very little we have to go to the dentist and he did not want to and we went to the dentist and she couldn't really look because he was being so difficult in the dentist chair and so she thought he had a lot of cavities and we came home and the options weren't very good and turns what we could do next until we realize wait a minute we can use the strategies called Positive Behavior Support to get through this and so we taught him how to be at the dentist office and we didn't think of this when we first win and you know I'm here I do this work right but it just I didn't even think to sit him down so many many days we practiced the behaviors of being a good dental patient we talked about that it might feel uncomfortable or my her and what he could do when it happened he could squeeze my hand he could ask for a break he could ask to have the weather doing explain to him so we had all these replacement behaviors that he could do instead of squirming in the chair closing his mouth yelling screaming crying and then when I'm practicing we use this Play-Doh set which is you know made it kind of fun and so we did that and then we use positive reinforcement instead of him getting to get out of the dentist appointment which was motivating his problem Behavior already got to escape the dentist appointment instead we did a successful then to the point and then he could be rewarded and so we use a reinforcement system in our home for lots of reasons I need to update my photos cuz these were quite a while ago my son's now that the height of my husband but that's my son cashing in his tickets at home with my husband and when he would cash in his ticket he could sometimes get a reward like a toy other times he could get an activity like going to a zoo or going to this Wildlife Place you see the picture on the bottom and so it doesn't have to call money we often did things that we were going to do anyway so we could say he'd use his ticket at the time you know we've got to go to the zoo or the museum which we were going to do anyways but now he like around them and uses ticket you can your children get to choose the movie or going to watch on a Friday night or the show you're going to want to maybe get to choose with her going to have for dinner lots of ways to do rewards without it costing any money and lots of ways to do rewards at home now that you can't really go out and about as much and you can use actual physical tickets like that or now we just use a Point sheet we have a piece of paper and we just put dashes on it Four Points city idea is that you want to reward things that your child struggles to do you don't have to reward everything they do all day but if they the problem behaviors that you're identifying you want to figure out the opposite of those problem behaviors that's kind of what you put in your Matrix Lowe's of the things you want to reward so my son gets points for doing things he doesn't like to do like drinking just plain water so if he drinks a certain number of plane Waters during the day he'll get a point he doesn't like it's academic time so for every academic academic activity that he finishes he gets a point when he was younger with bath time he didn't like so we gave him reinforcements for taking a bath now he's fine with taking a bath so we don't reinforce that so the idea is that with reinforcements we use them for problem behaviors that we want to improve and it's a way to give the attention to what we want rather than giving me attention to what we don't want in really you can just a dream so many ways to reward reward use in ways that don't cost money and so it can be tickets or points stickers you can have charged you going to pay for this is all ages please know my son's 11 this can be even or odd teenagers we can use these kind of strategies they use them in in places of work for adults and it is fun to have some pretty unpredictable kind of random times that we give her words and then you can do these like whole fam kinds of events where you can put marbles in a jar or you know something in a jar and when you reach a certain level in the whole family gets a reward so we hope that that just brought your attention a little bit to how do we get these behaviors to stop in one of the ways is we want to give attention to when they're doing it the right way and make sure that we reward that more than we accidentally reward the problem Behavior right cuz if they get out of there will work by having a fuss then they've been sort of rewarded for making a fuss so I so now if the problem Behavior does occur how can we make it last shorter. Of time and make it intense and so we can use what we call Mild negative consequences and so a lot to say about this I'll just know a few things in your home you as a family can talk about what we're worth if your child might want for appropriate behavior and talk about what things will get rewarded and then in your home you can also talk about what are appropriate negative consequences so as a family you can discuss like so what should be you do know we both agree that like your job is to wash the dishes when you don't wash the dishes what should be the consequence and you can talk about it as a family and you can then make a list of what those consequences are and I would start with very much small things and then let the consequences become bigger things as the behavior continues so and that can be either after the prom Behavior occurred many times or if they don't respond to your correction for example if I come home and I know she didn't wash the dishes I'm going to remind you to wash them and if you'd then go and wash them without whining or complaining you might get a point because you did something you didn't want to do and you didn't talk back but if I come home and I remind you to wash the dishes and you put me off you just miss me or you whine or complain then you what you lose 5 minutes of screen time or you need to sit with me five this after dinner to talk about it or 5 minutes before dinner to talk about it so that's not a huge consequence 5 minutes of lost screen time or five minutes of having have a discussion but it's it's but it is a consequence is what we're trying to do is find that middle ground between just threatening that a consequence will happen and maybe not delivering anything or giving these big consequences like you've lost your phone for the weekend or you lost your phone for the the full day. You don't know more TV or screen time at all those can feel like kind of big consequences to our young people so we want to put them on a Continuum or a list from least to most and so here's an example of how you do that problem Behavior occurs you first would give a few Behavior Support so you'd say hey remember you need to do that or I see you're getting angry what's a good choice you could makes you kind of give him a little bit of coaching or a reminders and then if the prom Behavior still occur you might give us a choice as you can give a real choice or soda false choice or a real Choice might be okay you can wash the dishes now or after you watch your show that had a choice and of course they have to follow Drew after the show if not then they would get negative consequence or you might say you can wash the dishes now or get a negative consequence so you see it's not really a choice you know you can do it or you can get a consequence but it's putting it on time to make a decision and so then it's not you who is choosing to give them a punishment it's like their behavior they are choosing to take the punishment and then you do your first mile consequence than maybe your second mile, scientific still continuing and then you might go to a larger a longer-term so there's a good chance that the consequences you're already using in your household you might not be using any or they might feel big your child they would be third point on their the larger longer-term so really we want to just encourage you to consider what are some smaller versions of that bigger consequence so if they would typically get grounded for the weekend can we make it grounded for one day and the whole weekend or grounded for 3 hours those would be like the smaller steps leading up to the bigger consequence and even in these unique times when students can't go out and about as much as they used to there are still ways you can find positive rewards and also negative consequences I would love for you to reflect just a moment and you know the thing about all of this is just to help improve what you're already doing and it's only if you are having some challenges so every household is different and it's okay if you don't believe in positive Rewards or if you don't believe in punishments right and people land and all different places along those lines this day ideas to give you some things to consider so what some extra tools that might be able to help you through some challenging times so I can look at the chat box real quickly so maybe realize using texting with my teenager is on the right track I text them what I expect when I get home awesome thank you for sharing that yeah so your clarifying for them by putting it in writing right this is what I want to see when I get home and so then if you wanted to you could find ways to reward them you could you know how are you want to do that and lots of different ways to count or or keep track of the positive and then if they don't do what you asked and it's up to you but if you and your teenagers want to talk about so what would be appropriate even natural consequence I'm right because you didn't do that before we need to do it now so that's just kind of easy natural consequence and that's going to delay other things that they want right so we're thinking I had to use positive reinforcement and then mile Mega consequences we hope that some of these things come in handy for you the idea is to figure this all out before there's a problem so you don't want to wait in like in the moment when there's a problem say okay I'm going to use a smile negative consequence on you because it might be lost you know you might not get the affect the student that your child already mad or upset you want to come moment of calm time you want to explain this is what we're going to do then what time does a problem right and explained that they can get rewarded if they come down quickly if they make the choices explain what the mild negative consequences are if you want to do that all when it's a kind of a calm peaceful time and when the moment is happening when there's a problem then you can go ahead and use those strategies alright so we're about to say goodbye the positive tip I wanted to share with just this idea that there's actually evidence that gratitude is healing so out in positive psychology research gratitude is strong and consistently associated with greater happiness gratitude help people feel more positive emotions the good experiences improve their he'll deal with adversity and build strong relationships which I think is just amazing and you can read more about this with the link at the bottom and to the idea here is if you're feeling drained if feeling stressed if things feel like they are pretty negative in the household there's lots of problems and we know the world is having challenges it's actually a self-care it's hip to make a list or just make a mental note of all the things you feel grateful for on a daily or weekly basis and so-so ideas with my son at night I say what are three things you're grateful about today not in general in life but today and he'll often named the food we had four he liked or that I'm reading him a story before bed or the he got to play with a toy he likes so you want to cut it and still the strategy of having our young people reflect on and feel good about the things in their life that are good because as many things that are challenging right now there are good things still so thank you for the comment in the in the chat gratitude Journal are older they can write these things down they could text is someone they could do in their prayer if you if you pray in your home they could pray and express their gratitude so lots of ways to do it and its base also on this science which is that when we focus on what's good it leads to please other positive so it's just amazing that having a strength-based approach can reduce depression improve self-esteem and they can have to wait to higher levels of academic achievement I'm so we don't want to do is get into these negative Cycles watch you're causing problem behaviors were all stress and then we're focusing on the negative which tends to breed a little bit more of that so even if things feel really hard we'd love it if you consider you don't making a mental note well what's good what am I grateful for and in doing that with your children what are they grateful for and as often as possible taking those moments and you might find it gives you back a little energy like in those moments when you're feeling drained baby naming the three things you feel grateful for so far in the day it's all good for me if that I woke up a I'm grateful I woke up I'm grateful I'm not sick right now and so usually we can finally can find a lot of things so I'm these are the things we said we were going to today we hope that you consider taking some next steps around clarifying what you expect teaching instead of just telling our young people what we want them to do and then consider reinforcing the positive and using mild negative consequence for the problems and maybe letting yourself soaking a little gratitude as well there are some resources here for you and so don't don't hesitate to check those out and please know that you can check in with the district at any point I Jasmine are there if you have any comments or questions for them thank you so much Kim for your time and for all of this information I love that Kim brings the mom perspective as well as the educator perspective and brings the Two Worlds together because it's really helpful Real Life practical applications of what it's like at home when our kids are having this problem behaviors and all of us have these problem behaviors with our kids weather we're educators are not so we're all in this together so thank you so much for all of that the strategies in the air like she's the PowerPoint will be available on our district website so will the recording if you missed the previous recording they are also on the website and also I want to just point out our counselors have been on this call as well as a couple of our school psychologist they're here they are here to help you we have the best district for grows the best District me of the best families and they all want to be here to support you there is a counseling Corner tile on every student canvas account so if you feel like your student needs some support or you questions when you need support you can reach out to them through the tile you can reach out to them through their teacher or through the School site administrator I'm we want your students to be successful we love your kids so please reach out to us if there's anything that you need me to be more than happy help and work together in your partners and all of this so I'm thanks again to Kim and thank you all for making time today and just being here and please reach out if there's anything we can do some thank you Jasmine thank you everyone take care

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